Nostalgia

                                      

By: Pia Chudney A. Masongsong

                                                   

          Gazing at the twinkling stars, as the silver moon illuminates the dark alleys of the city, I found myself reminiscing the euphoric days we once had.

          It was summer last year when the sun parched the grounds, yet the cold summer breeze gently caressed the sides of my face. I peeped on the tiny hands of my watch and noticed that it’s about to strike 3:00. My heart pounded with the tick of the clock. A shadow interrupted my busy thoughts and I was enthralled when I saw a figure taking little steps towards me. He met my eyes and I gazed at them for a second. I flinched as he moved closer. Silence filled the air and I was paralyzed by the touch of his hands.

Suddenly…

Our lips brushed! My heart skipped a million beats and I was melting on cloud nine. I shuddered by the thought that after the long wait, I finally had the chance to savor this moment. A cacophony of emotions etched on my face. I was holding back gallons of tears to conceal the aches of my heart. I tried to regain my composure but my voice was too bleak. He immediately cupped my face and pressed his lips on mine.

 He never told me that he felt the same way as I did, and that alone was like a bullet pressed through the insides of my skull. I was too carried away by my feelings that I tend to lose myself out of desperation. I wanted to screech every word in my head, but I was lost. I couldn’t find any noun, adjective, or a preposition to describe how I felt.

A cascade of tears flooded down my cheeks and then he pulled me closer. He wrapped his arms around my waist that made me sob heavier. I wanted to push him away, but a part of me was craving for a tighter embrace from him. Several questions crept through my head that radiated the anger inside me. I wanted to lash out to let him choke the answers I’ve been dreading to hear. But the more I searched for answers, the more sympathy I get. I was devoured by reality that crushed my entire being.

It gave me chills as I shoved the thought away. It’s been three years of being caught up in his spell that doesn’t even have an adequate cure. I can barely fathom the pain he had caused me. I fell into the abyss of melancholia that I can’t seem to find my way out. These thoughts will forever linger through the depths of my soul. But for now, moving on is not an option, it’s a choice.

I’ll try to give myself a modicum of happiness, since I know that I deserve to have one. This is just something I’d look forward to, a tingling curse of nostalgia.